The End..?

Thursday, 20th December 2018.


Sports Bar, Waterloo.

At this very moment, I have no job, no money and won’t have any more money until the end of January.

I’m pleased to say that my loyalty has been rewarded by absolutely no Christmas bonus and the worst final day. I did have the option to work tomorrow but due to some disagreements about human rights I realised that if I went in tomorrow, I’d probably end up stabbing someone.

Bottom line. It felt right to call it a day and I proved myself right. I mean, for fucks sake! NO CHRISTMAS BONUS!

I would estimate that in the 15 years(11 years working for) that I’ve known my (ex) boss, I have probably earnt him in excess of a million quid. Not all by myself, but as part of the team. In the last 3 months alone I have shown him ridiculous loyalty. Struggling to make ends meet while he can’t get his purchase orders signed.

What can I say?

Trust No One.

He has made it very easy to leave without even a glimpse back.

“The Bouch” just bought me a pint. He is probably the only person I’ll stay in touch with. After all, he is in my RDR2 posse!

Oh well. I’ve written on, cut, pulled and terminated my last cable. Hopefully forever, because I truly, never ever, want to go back.

Friday, 21st December 2018.


I must have fallen asleep about half eight last night. Maybe that’s why I was so angry?


Anyway. I am no longer angry. Time to look forward and all that shit.

Typically, I’m in The George. Readying myself for my last attempt at Christmas shopping. Luckily, it’s only bits and Bob’s, stocking fillers and under the tree stuff. If it was just me and the boys I’d just hang a load of tenners on the tree and be done with it.

All I really want to do is, go home, play guitar and maybe have a small sherry.

Town is absolutely drenched in skunkpussies. A definite “headphones on!” situation.

Right! Let’s get this done. Headphones on. Track One:


The whole thing was unsuccessful. I did sweets for boys(bottom of stocking stuff) and bought a couple of bits in Boots but it was too “queuey” for me, so I went home, via the local apothecary, and wrapped presents and listened to melancholy music. I have saved the day by yet another Amazon order.

Monday, 24th December.


The George(again)

Yep. That’s right. I’m in the bastion of the diseased liver. Steeling myself for a last ditch attempt to get something for my parents. Ultimately, I know its gonna gift cards.

My ex has taken both my boys out for a meal in Staines. Then, she is dropping them with me until 27th/28th when L-bobs will take Sonny home on the train.

The George is stacked. I’m only getting through my pint by listening to this at full volume.

I’m not sure if that pint of black stuff has helped or not but,… it’s time! One last, solid effort and I could be laying down within an hour or so.

Right. I’m doing it….Wait! The perfect track has come on.


Urban survival is all about a cracking playlist!


I’ll tell you tomorrow. The only thing that seems apt is this:

Christmas Day, 2018


Done. Talked to my sister. Kids have opened presents.

My dad has been cooking since 5am(probably). He has completed his 5th lasagne(family tradition for Boxing day). Next, he is going to start cooking the whole pig we are having for lunch.

I went back and sat on my bed.

I can’t think of anything to do. Cup half empty.

The cards have been dealt so now it’s time to play them.


I just need to go to sleep. Then it will be over.

Boxing Day, 2018


I didn’t go to sleep. I watched High Plains Drifter, then Infinity war while trying to drown my sorrow.

Nothing works anymore though, and the cracks in my disguise are becoming impossible to cover. There just doesn’t seem to be anything strong enough to hold me down.

It comes back to this:

I’m still waiting to open a card or a present. I know Carter has got me something. I think she understands.

I was born this way. It’s a chemical imbalance in my brain that means I need help to feel emotion properly.

Generally, people disappear from my life. I can’t blame them. I’d disappear too, if I could, but I’m stuck with me.

All I know is, death will be a long, painful and lonely affair but that’s the price you pay for the ultimate reward.


Fuck knows…27th I think


I had a spare 5 minutes to read through. Yep. I’m a happy chap.

I did eventually get a bonus. About ten minutes after really needing it! At least I got it. The boys have gone to visit the old neighbours so I’m in the Retreat, enjoying a Guinness.

There’s not much more to say than that. I cleaned my room and my shoes, but my mother found a box of blues,..

If you know, you know the rest.

I did clean my room though but not my shoes. They were already clean.


“Never get out of the boat. Absolutely, God damned right. Unless you are going all the way.” – Captain Willard. Apocalypse Now.

I never should have left the house. A series of events and visits have left me broken. Bad news. I’ll tell you about it one day. It is all too fresh for the parties concerned at the moment.

At this point, I cannot wait to hide at Carter’s for a couple of days tomorrow. I’m even considering turning my phone off!!!

Friday, 28th December 2018.


I am finally at Carter’s. I finally got presents. Yay! She’s a good girl, she is.

I won’t bore you with the details but she got me a present she promised me from a few years ago.


Luckily, I had my only, unscratched copy of Quadrophenia here. What can I say?

The warmth of vinyl. Mmmmmm.

I can’t wait to put it through my tube amp.

More importantly, Louis is at his mum’s until the 31st.

3 whole days to rest!

Monday, 31st December 2018.

The Last Day.


I’m waiting at the station to collect L-Bobs. Three sleeps at Carter’s(kinda). We entered the bubble and did what we do. Sadly, you can’t hide from reality for ever. Only 2 sleeps left until the start of a new year. A new Life. I’m unsure where it will take me but luckily, I can adapt quickly. I guarantee in 2 weeks time I will have forgotten about the anxiety, fear, excitement, sickness, hatred, love(pick one!) I am feeling.


A good illustration of where I get a lot of my issues from, could be to do with living here.


Walked in. Put my stuff down. Cleared a space for the record player. Walked around my room twice. Sat on bed. Looked around unable to process a clear thought. Saw mescal. Poured mescal. Drunk mescal.

Just sayin!

Tuesday, 1st January 2019.


There is a level of anxiety kicking in now. My brain knows its unfounded but it doesn’t stop my body from laying on the symptoms.

The rest of yesterday involved laying in bed, watching movies. Then, after midnight, I continued to lay in bed, staring into the darkness until about 7am. Nothing could stop my brain from working.

Anyway, here I am. I have about an hour or prep to do for tomorrows new job start. Half of that is getting some clothes out and shaving. I can’t get motivated. I’m freezing cold but that could be the litre of freezing cold Volvic I just downed. I might be hungry. I might not……I’m just very confused.


It turns out they had put the wrong start date on my contract. I start on the 3rd. This is not doing any good for my anxiety. I just want to get on with it.

Wednesday, 2nd January 2018.


Another day burnt away. Anxiety level now very high. It’s all in my body, not in my brain.

I’m as organised as I can be. AAARRGGHHHH! I just want to get on with it. All I can do is get ready for bed and hopefully fall asleep.

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