The Book Of Hate #5

Tuesday, 12th September, 2017.


Staines Station.

Good times. Good times. It’s strangely nice, feeling shit and tired whilst standing on the platform, in the damp, chilly air. Work is the only true constant. 

I remember saying this a year ago, just before my birthday. Different problems then. Or were they the same? I doubt I’ve grown up much. Grown up? Tut. I’ll be forty five in a few days.

We never grow up. It’s just something you tell your kids to reassure them. 


We are in Victoria today. It doesn’t make any difference because all jobs look the same. At least the chill of the morning has broken into a bit of blue.


Awaiting the pre 10am delivery. It’s great. 


The delivery finally turned up. The strange part was, we were told we had to unload it here:

It was neither food or British! The cable is probably made in China. 

Fuck! I’ve just realised I left my lunch at home. What a bucket of arse!


Y’know what? I am home but my knees and heels are Fucking killing me! I don’t know why. I haven’t done anything unusual. 

Wednesday, 13th September, 2017.


I spent most of yesterday evening feeling like I was going to puke. I have no idea why. That horrible, lay as still as possible, one move will push me over the edge, feeling. I fell asleep for a bit about ten, then awoke about midnight feeling better. I fell back to sleep and had a very beautiful dream. Nothing amazing. I was just walking up the road, with, my friend, Claire. It was sunny and she was taking me for a bloody mary for my birthday. I was talking on the phone to Mary and Caroline………

5 am alarm. Shit. I wanted to stay there forever.

Now I’m here. ,wearing a hoody under my denim jacket. Hat on, shivering. The last throws of summer. The last throws of being 44 years old. 15 – 16 more summers worth having? Then, that’s that!


“I’ve got a hurricane inside my veins and I want to stay forever.”

Soul On Fire – Spiritualized.

I’m not good with birthdays. They are just a unwanted realisation of mortality and a reminder of unrealised dreams. The day you can hear the clock ticking it’s loudest.

All I want is this:


I suppose that’s the benefit of turning in to work so early. Full day done. Job completed. Boss happy and on the Victoria line heading for Vauxhall.
I’ve still no idea if I have any work for tomorrow. I need the money but, it is my birthday. If it’s offered I’ll take it. 

I’m not expecting anything major for my birthday. Apart from having a tattoo paid for by lovely Carter. I dunno when I’m going to have it done though.

I’m having this on my arm:

Thursday, 14th September, 2017.


Happy Fucking birthday to me! 45 years old. Yep. I have four cards. One from Carter, one from Jake(Carter’s son) and one from each of my boys. 

Carter got me a bottle of Patron and the giant, Wes Anderson Coffee table book, about all his films. 

So, I can’t complain. Plenty of well wishing messages to make me feel the love. 

No work today so I have the afternoon to myself. A little patron, a little guitar?


Yeah. I played a little guitar. I drank a couple of bloody marys. I drank a few Coronas and a couple of Patrons……

Then I had a video call from my youngest. I haven’t seen Sonny since May. My heart feels like its going to come out of my mouth. I miss him so much. My beautiful, beautiful boy.

”nuff said.


Now that I have established that I have no work until at least Monday, I am happy to continue with my usual debauchment.

I have been slowly watching Withnail & I. Carter came home from work and I was informed I should have done various chores. Whoops! On a positive, I have ordered pizza and wings for everyone, and been to visit a local retailer of……..well, Y’know. 

I had a video call from my beautiful hags, who are in Scotland, preparing to walk up some hill/mountain. I’ll catch up with them next weekend. I love them dearly. Beautiful, beautiful girls. Until the end of time.

Friday, 15th September, 2017.


I’ve had a superb day to myself. Did a few chores, drank and smoked, played guitars and watched movies. I can’t think of a better way to spend my time. 

Saturday, 16th September, 2017.


I didn’t get up until one! I am currently hanging around my dads house waiting for someone to collect some PA speakers I’ve sold. All I want to do is go to Nostrano and have an all day breakfast and a bloody Mary.


Done. I’m now anxiously awaiting my bloody mary. They are taking their time though. Come on. It’s not rocket science.

I finally got it along with my breakfast. 

Sunday, 17th September, 2017.


And there it ends. I’ve used everything up. Drugs, alcohol, health, humour. Well alright, I still have humour and I bought a new bottle of vodka for medicinal mary’s. I whacked up the Tabasco level for head clearing purposes, which has enabled me to hoover and dust my child’s pit. I’ve eaten Marmite on toast. I feel that I’ve achieved, considering.

I have no work tomorrow, again!!. I think it’s time to start looking for a new job. I do like bumming around though.


On a more positive note. A have sold a few more of my eBay items. My current total, for the last three weeks, is over six hundred quid. A week’s pay. I got sixty pounds cash for the PA speakers which has payed for a few things too.

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