Going Gonzo – Twix

Friday, 19th July 2019.


I had a shave last night. That went some way towards alleviating my depression. So, I decided to see what today would bring.

My whole inner self is screaming,


A ray of sunshine reflected off the tiny badge of optimism I was wearing on my lapel.

As I emerged from the train at Waterloo I thought, “Fuck it. I’ll ride the ray of sunshine and see where it takes me.”


Today’s adventures are:

Going to Bank to collect materials.

Going back to Waterloo to get on the Northern.

Go to Charing Cross and do a small job.

Return to Waterloo to get back on the Waterloo and City.

Return to job in Bank.

It’s an adventure of sorts.

The only downside is, it’s very warm on the tubes this morning!


The job has turned out to be an absolute pig. Everyone has the wrong info. I did my part then went to the pub to await the return of the guy running it.

“A pint of Peroni please.”

“Peroni’s off”

“A pint of Guinness then?”

“Guinness is off”

At this point I’m thinking, “JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT’S ON!”

I ended up with a beaker of Camden Hell. It’s ok. A bit too hoppy for me but it’s done it’s job.

After that I bought the most expensive toasted cheese sandwich in the world and returned to the job.

The cunt’s still not come back.


We finalised the job and left. I arrived back at Waterloo at around 2pm. There was no way I was going to get on the tube back to Bank so I waited in the Sports Bar.

After the world’s most expensive pint(everything is record breaking today!), I sat on the bench opposite the tube exit and waited for Big Gay Jay to arrive(he had my other bag).


I bought a cow lager and sat.

To my right was a Jamaican lady. She was swapping between phone calls on her headset. First it was full ethnic twang. The next call she sounded like the queen.

On my left was three piece suit with with glasses containing lenses the size of a fingernail.

He had a Twix and a packet of Hula Hoops.

He picked up the Twix. Examined it. Put back down. Then he picked up the Hula Hoops. Straightened the packet from opposite corners and read the contents. He put the Hula Hoops back down next to the Twix.

He stared at the pair for a second.

He picked up the Twix……….

This went on for a further five minutes.

I popped the cherry of the Cow Lager and scanned my surroundings.

Over dressed.

Under dressed.

Shouldn’t be out in public.

Still in pyjamas!?!?….

Then, directly on front of me. Two friends thought they would meet in Waterloo.

“This would be the ideal time for us introduce our respective girlfriends to each other!” one must have said.

The girls looked each other up and down and for a moment, as they limply shook hands, eye contact was made.

Eye contact was made.

The next few hours are going to be awkward unless alcohol is applied.

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