I’ve definitely passed the point of no return now. Isolation.I’ve cut my real human contact down to bare ration and have created the perfect work persona. Cloaked enough to shield myself yet close enough, to the real me, for ease.
Friday, 3rd May 2019.
Surprisingly, it turned out all works required where done correctly yesterday. This means I don’t need to go into London.Earlier this morning, I did everything I would need to do throughout the day to cover myself but now, for once, I’m in front.I really should bathe in the glory of it as it doesn’t happen very often.My younger son, Sonny, should arrive about two thirty.
I had steak and kidney pie and chips for lunch. It was quality. I toyed with the idea of mushy peas but didn’t bother. Truthfully, the pie and chips was too much.All I’m doing now is waiting for the time to pass so I can go home.21.35I left work at 16.30. I had achieved all my goals.That will be the first time ever in this job.Sonny had arrived when I got home. It’s good to see him. I don’t think I’ve seen him since February.I’m tired.
Saturday, 4th May 2019.
I like that word.
If I could use one word to sum up my entire life, it would be adrift.
I’m drinking. I didn’t even bother with coffee. I just picked up a Corona and started drinking.
I woke up and started drinking.
What is it you want Mark?
Everything and nothing.
You and nobody.
“I wanna take you home. I wanna give you children. And you might be my girlfriend. ”
We have finally arrived in Staines for breakfast. I had to add a pint of Estrella and a Bloody Mary to the order.
I feel sustained but the level of conversation is lacking.
“For God’s sake Mark, they are only children!”
Is there any reason to be awake?…… Ever?
Sunday, 5th May 2019.
The answer to the above question is no. I fell asleep about 8pm and woke up about 45 minutes ago. I was enjoying myself up until that point.
Aaww fuck it. I’m awake now, so what to do?
A little Bukowski, a little delta and some coffee.
Nothing achieved. Apart from a little reading and a little guitar practice.
Two kids is a real struggle. Especially when all they want to do is look at screens and parenting skills lack commitment.
I managed to get Sonny out the house for three hours in the end. When I got back, I got the whole “you could have come to the wedding!” speech.
I don’t remember any protesting on my behalf when hardly any of my family have turned up any of my events( Christenings, etc… ). Oh well. Like I give a shit. It’s pretty tough for me to get away with breathing, let alone, anything else.
Sunday, 6th May 2019.
I’ve just sent Louis, his girlfriend and Sonny off to meet my ex at Wagamama.
Now I’m going to try and enjoy the remnants of the weekend. The most important thing is to get out of this house and away from the constant “telling offs”. I’m going to hide at Carter’s until tomorrow, when I’ll go to work.
I think that gives me 19 hours, give or take.
It was just another day off. There I was, minding my own business and I received this on my work phone.
The following is what has caused my current annoyance.
The scrabbled words are to protect myself and the innocent.
The item in question is with an engineer who lives in Hayling Island. I have tried to respond to this but have had no reply.
I gather that I am expected to drive to Hauling Island and return by 7am tomorrow morning with said item.
I’m struggling with this. I have bent over backwards to make this work but now I feel like I’m being used.
I’m gonna need time to think about this.
The straw that broke the camel’s back.
I think that is the phrase I’m looking for. I’ve ignored the signs. I’ve taken it on the chin. I’ve apologised. I’ve bent over backwards………….
Just typing that says it all. Anyone who knows me, knows I’m not a bend over backwards sort of fella.
I’m more of a, “Fuck off you cunt or I’ll stab you in the throat!” type dude. Who knows what the repercussions will be but a decision has been made.
OK. I’m not an idiot. I have already made the call to Dave(old boss), or dad, as I call him. He made it an easier decision. The long and short of it is, he said, “Mark. Always.”
That’s good enough for me.
Once you get an idea in your head it’s tough to shake it. Truthfully, it’s been coming.
I’m still processing the Idea. I call it an idea but, let’s face it, it’s a plan.
I have myself a couple of hours but I can’t pretend. The outcome far out weighs the consequences…………There are no consequences. Just my commitment issues fucking with me.
I’ll get over that.
I’ve set an alarm for 05.30. I’m going into the office to drop off my phone and laptop. Pick up my personal item and leave my resignation letter.
Tuesday, 7th May 2019.
I did all the above. It’s done. It turns out that was the easy part. The hell of telling my parents was, well, hell.
They have informed me that they want me to send Louis back to his mother’s. The reason being that they think they are looking after him and not me.
I need a plan. And I need one fucking fast!
I’m in town now. I picked Louis up from school and told him the whole deal. He’s supportive. The kind of support I would expect from my parents. Whenever life takes the ground from under me, my parents always love to make it an avalanche.
The worst sort are the ones who have no idea that they are bullies. Spouting their bile.
I feel worse than scum right now.
I survived dinner. Just about. It was awful and tense and I could sense that all my dad wanted to do was tell me his wisdom. The only problem being, he has none. Or, at least, none that has been relevant for 25 years.
I’ve had it today. Fucking had it.
The only question I keep asking myself is, if my own family believe that I’m to blame for everything? If they would assume that someone they have never met is more likely to be right than me? Why do I carry on?