Sunday, 19th February, 2017
The pain I feel today is immense. Blamed for someone else’s actions. Like people don’t have will of there own. And all because of my feelings for them. Why be afraid of being loved? Of someone wanting to look after you? Of someone willing to give you everything? Oh yeah. It’s not that. It’s because I’m too poor. An absolute, worthless piece of shit. Not worthy of love.
“And if I could leave this spirit, I’d find me a hole and I’d live in it.”
Anyway, as learnt, time and time again in my life. You go back to what you know. Burn the letters, erase the texts, delete the pictures, and hope that somehow this will remove it from your brain.
I can feel the reality of it slowly consuming me. Luckily, I will be the only one who will have an emotional reaction to this. She had to have had feelings for me in the first place to feel anything now.
Ok. Time to take these boys out Pokemon hunting. Another joy of parenting in the modern age.
I’m slumping big time. Can feel my anger/misery/pain,etc heightening.
Sitting in Nostrano with the boys and their godmother, god that makes her sound old! Shes not. I was gonna drink coffee but she suggested pints. I didn’t argue.
I had completely forgot that Sunday in Staines is traveller’s day. Christ.
I quite like it in here. It’s kind of calming. I still feel like today is going to turn to shit.
Prepping to leave. Return the children. Its over before its started. Make sure they have everything.
Way back. Without them, the full force hits me like a Fucking hammer. Fuck it, truly, FUCK IT! That self destruct button is right there. An hour or so from now, me and my partner in crime, are gonna slam our fists down on it, until they fucking bleed.
Lots of traffic. Longest journey and too much time to think.
Full in to the absolute debauchment. The pain is less for now. Decided to stick on True Romance for a bit of background. What a movie. I’d forgotten.