Friday, 5th May, 2017.
I lost the main of this entry when I reset my phone yesterday. It was mainly me rambling on, about how hard life is and slagging off my ex. She still hasn’t sent the birth certificate so I feel like the whole week has been a waste of time. I’m trying not to let it get to me, but it’s hard. All the forms are filled in and ready to go. I have a home visit from housing on Thursday. I might as well apply for a copy of the birth certificate. All dreary stuff.
I’m finding it impossible to hold back the tears. There is no reason. It happens a lot. Any tiny trigger. It’s a sadness I’ve never been able to shake. Self created, self loathing, regret and fear. Fear of the past, future. Loneliness. A loneliness very few have quenched. The ones that always leave. The ones I have to keep as a memory. Always tainted by my inablility, to remember the beauty, just feeling the loss.
It amazes me how shallow I am. How . I care about me. That seems to be it.
If only I could make myself understood…….
I could feel myself slipping deeper and deeper. I’ve decided to try and ignore it. Try and push forward. I need a little guitar time. That always helps. I’ve got to go and buy a phone to replace mine for a while. It needs to be fixed.
I’ve left work for the day again. I’ll work late Monday, I hope, to make it up. I’ve got to draw some lines under some of this endless drama. Real or self created.
I’ve got a replacement phone for now. So this diary entry will have to end here.